I love meeting amazing women and having deep, powerful conversations. When I received a last-minute invitation to a stunning 5-course meal with 9 strangers, I jumped at the opportunity. I had high expectations of the richness of this evening as I wondered who would be there. It had been a long time since I’d met totally new people and I was energized by the possibilities.
As I eagerly drove to the event, my chest felt buzzy and there was a lot of disorganized energy around me and in front of me. My breathing was a bit shallow. It felt very familiar, even if a bit uncomfortable. A worried voice inside me whispered, “Whoa, Kath! Tamp down the enthusiasm or you’ll overwhelm them. You’ll be too much–again.”
First, I tried telling myself to calm down but no matter how many times I said it, the discomfort didn’t dissipate. Trying to change my thoughts is still my first instinct to make a shift in times like this. It’s a well-worn and ineffective, path.
I sensed into my body, noticing the feeling of my waistband on my skin. I checked in with my gut and the space between my shoulder blades. My breathing slowed as I sensed into my pelvis. Within a few moments, I felt my body relax and I was present.
Practicing presence takes concerted effort for me in times like this. I’d stay there a moment, and then something would catch my eye–checking the map, listening to the song lyrics and I’d pop right out. (At least I was noticing my monkey mind in the moment!) I got to practice grounding myself over and over again as I drove. Each time lasted longer and presence was easier to access. After a few rounds, I felt that good kind of “weighted blanket” weight–and I remained connected with myself as I got out of the car and approached the house.
As I rang the bell and waited for our host, Jennifer, to answer the door, I got a little ahead of myself again. But only for a moment.
I was ushered into the kitchen to meet the other guests where we shared the typical first-meeting pleasantries. As more arrived, I noticed I was in a mild freeze state, listening to the conversations but now feeling rather disconnected from them and myself. It was not taking up my space and this was a disservice to the women gathered here.
Once everyone arrived, we were seated at a stunning table. After ooh-ing and ahh-ing at the menu and flowers, our other host, Laurie introduced herself and shared who she was. As she spoke, I felt my feet on the ground, my back against the chair, coming back into presence.
When it was my turn, I thoughtfully shared the work I do around embodiment and horses, and subtlety and the clarity available through our bodies and theirs. I even shared the feelings I’d had in the car and the fears of talking and being “too much.” I noticed a grounded calmness that felt solid.
I took up space.
Not too much. Not too little. Just the right amount.
Even though my head knows I have much to offer, my body’s tendency can be to shrink back when talking about myself Afraid of overpowering others with me and the things I love, I bounce between feeling “too much” and “not enough.”
This belief has been in my body since at least the eighth grade when I was shut down for being me—but it’s shifting. My body is having a conversation with me, and I’m learning that it’s rich, nuanced, and trustworthy. The more I attention I pay to my body, the more compassionate I am to myself and others.
The belief that I have to do something to receive love is also evolving thanks to learning to listen to my body. I can recite affirmations and psych myself up all day long, but those changes are short-lived because limiting beliefs live in the body, not the thinking brain. I’m learning I can trust my own assessment of my worthiness instead of needing validation or approval from outside sources.
This is true freedom.
I work with difference-making women who want to live with less stress and more peace and ease as they impact the world for good. If that’s you, let’s talk.
