I had my second meeting with a new horse the other day. I spent a couple of hours working with Sadie, then we took a short ride in a big field.
Sadie reminds me a lot of Roxy, my solid (now retired) pinto mare. She doesn’t have a lot of desire to go forward at speed–which is just fine by me.
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As I mounted up for my second ride, I felt good. After all, we’d worked in the round pen for a while and smoothed some rough edges on the ground in the arena.
But, when we actually started off, I felt fear of being run away with creep back into my body.
I tried to increase our connection by shortening the reins and focusing on my breathing. It didn’t help much. The person I was riding with encouraged me to trust her and give her her head but letting go like that felt too scary.
About 10 minutes into our walk around the pasture, it hit me. I was trying to manage my fear by controlling her.
“Kathy, you control you –and let Sadie control Sadie,” I reminded myself. “You know how to ride. You can handle it if she does take off.” I sat taller in the saddle, noticing the tautness of my spine as I reconnected to my own power, and let the reins out. Immediately, in that very moment, Sadie’s head lowered, her stride lengthened. We both let out big relaxed breaths.
Finding the middle ground of control is an ongoing theme in my life. I flip-flop between holding on too tight in my desire to manage things or I letting go completely. Sometimes this feels like abandoning myself or others. Neither one feels good.
The hard part about giving Sadie more rein is that I had to trust her. My brain, however, is stuck in the memory of getting bucked off 4 years ago.
What made the difference was my embodied reminder that even if Sadie turned out to not be trustworthy, I can trust myself.
This wasn’t a thought experiment. Feeling my spine straighten and my chest open created a groundedness in me–and about me. I was my own safe space. ❤️
You can do this, too.
