Bentley, my grey horse, was bit more anxious than usual the other day, so I was trying to be quieter in my body and not increase his tension. I wanted to communicate softly and quietly so he’d mirror my steadiness and relax his body and mind.
He was really leaning into my space and, while I was persistent in asking him to stop crowding me, nothing really changed. He’d move over for a stride or two and then come back and crowd me. I’d move away to create more space between us and he’d move closer to me again.
I started to feel unsafe because he wasn’t listening to me so we stopped for a minute to regroup.
What was he not understanding? Why couldn’t he stay in his own space?
I thought about how I wanted him to mirror me and wondered if I was taking up my space.
I decided that I needed to feel my space, in a literally sense.
I stretched out my arms, palms facing outward, to feel how far out they were. I looked at the space between with my eyes for more sensory input. I stretched my arms overhead and down around my body so I could have a “felt sense” of my space. This my personal space bubble moved with me. I imagined it was like the shell of an egg and I was the yolk inside.
With this new sense of my space, we tried again. We started off well, then Bentley started to lean in again. I imagined filling my eggshell space with more energy, reminding him it was not his to occupy. I waited for a couple of strides to see how he’d receive the communication. Voila! He stood up straight and quit leaning on me. He even relaxed more being a bit further away.
I still believe, like I said in my TEDx talk, that “when the message is clear it doesn’t have to be loud.” I was trying to be subtle and polite, but the result was garbled and mumbly. I wanted to be nice because if you’re nice, people like you, right?
In not being clear about asking for what I needed in the relationship I wasn’t occupying *my* own space. He was actually doing exactly what I was *asking* him to, just not what I wanted him to. He was mirroring me perfectly. When I finally modeled holding my own space, he could hold his. The communication was clear and kind.
When I asked clearly for what I needed and allowed him take responsibility for how he responded, the needs we both had for safety–emotional and physical were met. Having clear boundaries allows everyone to feel safe.
Asking for what we need in relationship is hard because we have so many messed up beliefs about it.
Beliefs like:
- Asking means I’m weak or incompetent.
- Asking for help will make be beholden to someone or they’ll take advantage of me.
- Asking means I’m greedy.
- Asking means I have a need, and it’s wrong to have a need. I should just be grateful instead.
- Asking means someone will say No and that will mean I’m not loveable.
Learning to take up my space by making a clear request is a challenge that will always be there. I’ll keep practicing.
