Despite the pace of last week, I was determined to carve out some time to spend with my horses.
Bentley and I went to the round pen so we could connect and practice playing with energy again like we had several days earlier. It had been such a fun session for both of us and I was eager for more.
I asked for Bentley’s attention but saw that he was enjoying the grass. I settled into his peacefulness momentarily as we hung out among the wildflowers.
Checking the time, I decided it was time to get started. I only had about 40 minutes left to work with him, and the conditioned tendency that “doing” something is the only way to measure success was pressuring me.
I asked for his attention with a little smooch. Nothing.
I asked again. He continued to ignore me.
I asked a bit more intensely, increasing the pressure, but he kept grazing as if I didn’t exist.
It didn’t take long before the familiar feeling of not being wanted rose up in my body. I felt the pressure and the anger. A voice inside demanded he “pay attention to me, dammit!” I felt small and insignificant. This was ironic considering the energy I was expending to get his attention was quite BIG, yet having no effect.
I knew I needed to reregulate myself so I stepped away and called a friend.
We talked about how a “No” feels different in my body than being ignored.
Being ignored feels like Nothing.
Empty.
Dismissive.
No energy or engagement at all.
When I get a “no”– even when it’s not the answer I hope for, there is some degree of engagement. It takes energy to say “no.” While it may seem counterintuitive, “No’ can be the beginning of the conversation, not the end.
Instead of taking it all personally by jumping into the story of rejection, I could have gotten present and discerned what was actually happening. We could have had a conversation about why he was saying “No.” My guess is the answer would have been my rushed “have-to-do-this-now” energy.
I’m glad Bentley said “No” to me that day. If he doesn’t really have the choice to say “No”, how confident can I be with his “Yes”?
It doesn’t feel good for horses (or people) to focus more on the task more than the relationship. And even though I wanted him to “do stuff” with me, it was more important to the health of our relationship for it to come from a place of connection, not compliance.
I’m grateful to him for reminding me that being present first is the best way to get things done.
