Several weeks ago, a friend asked via social media for specific recommendations to deal with physical pain–but only if we’d personally experienced good results for ourselves. I briefly shared my experience with my neurosomatic coach. This is the person I credit with making it possible for me to ride again with ZERO pain after getting bucked off my horse in 2019 and years of chronic pain. (A minor miracle in my mind!) I admit, I felt a little dismissed by my friend’s “thanks, but no thanks”. Yes, I took it personally. 🙁
Then, the other day they made another post about the intense pain they’re still experiencing. A childhood full of trauma, bad luck, and unhealthy boundaries has left her in mental, emotional, and physical pain. Trying to be helpful (and still wanting to be part of the solution), I offered a podcast about rewiring trauma that I’d been listening to.
Big mistake.
What I felt was an offering, felt to her like being “pushy” and that I was telling her she was “doing something wrong.”
My heart immediately felt huge, red, and very thumpy. It was the physical feeling of REJECTION!
“Danger! Danger!” my body screamed. “When people misunderstand you, they leave and you’ll be all alone. You have to make sure they understand.”
Once the thumping stopped and my breath turned back to normal, my initial reaction was to set the record straight. “No, I had not made this suggestion three times. This was only the second time –*and* this was just an invitation to listen to a podcast! I was not being pushy!”
Oooh, boy! Did I want to get bigger and take up ALL the space!
My emotions bounced around all over the place. Fear, self-righteousness, dismissiveness.
Since I cared about this person and our relationship, I wanted to repair the rupture.
I started thinking about the pressure principles my clients learn when working with our horses to explore relationships. One of the first things we talk about is that the horse will tell you how much pressure is too much, too little, or just enough to create a connection. The same principles apply to our human relationships.
From my perspective, when it came to my friend, I had offered a resource with no pressure to take it–but her system received it as a threat. Too much pressure.
Being called pushy and judgmental felt like way too much pressure to my system.
How to repair the relationship?
It took me a while to figure out what to say and how to say it, but eventually, it felt “just right.” It was a challenge to take up my space and own what I had and had not done and also clearly ask for what I needed. I had to feel it in my body.
When I finally got a response, it seemed like she was still trying to prove her point. I understood that I’d hurt her feelings and I apologized. I was disappointed that she wasn’t able to see how her response had also hurt me.
In the end, the relationship was not repaired as I would have liked. I’m OK with that. I gave myself the space to be misunderstood.
This was a BIG step for me in taking up my space and allowing others to take up theirs in the way they choose. It feels neutral in the very best way.
How do you know when you’ve taken up the “right amount of space”?
