For various reasons, my grey gelding, Bentley is quite guarded about picking up his hind feet. This part of our relationship is a work in progress.
The other day, trying to be gentle with my request, I asked softly for him to pick up his back foot. He snatched it up and waved it around erratically before putting it back down with a stomp. No way could I hold it and clean it out.
After a few more requests, I felt my patience running thin. “How many hundreds of times have we done this?” I said to him. “Why can’t we just get this done?! It’s not that hard!” I was surprised by a small flash of anger that punched out in my chest as I realized I was anxious about his flailing hooves so close to my head.
I stepped aside for a moment and grounded myself. I reconnected with my self-agency. (I call it my Pillar.) Bentley let out a big breath. So did I.
I asked again for him to lift his foot. This time, he offered it with care and intention and allowed me to clean it.
What was Bentley trying to tell me? What did I learn from this interaction?
In my effort to meet his need to feel safe, I neglected my own need by getting small. My body knew better and flashed anger to remind me to take up my space. (Bentley knew better, too.)
Have you ever gotten smaller and smaller (or more and more agreeable) until you couldn’t take it anymore and finally said “NO!”–maybe a little more forcefully than was necessary?
The message of anger is protection and restoration. It alerts us to violations of our personal or emotional space and when appropriately expressed allows us to relate and engage authentically with a clear sense of self and healthy boundaries.
Anger is an emotion I’ve suppressed most of my life. When it did come out, it was too forceful and someone got hurt. That meant “I was bad.” If I had been tuned to my anger and expressed it sooner instead of letting it build, it wouldn’t have caused pain in them or shame in me.
When anger is allowed to flow and is attended to it doesn’t come out in outbursts or rage. Rather, it looks like confidently standing up for yourself without being rigid or speaking your truth in a way that respects the other person *and* yourself. Anger has the potential to both rupture relationships *and* make them stronger once they’re repaired. It’s not our enemy.
I’m grateful to the embodiment and nervous system work I’ve been doing the past few years for allowing me to FEEL my feelings. This is very different from being aware or thinking or talking about them. It’s been an interesting, and at times, odd journey, but I wouldn’t trade the aliveness and connection I feel in myself for anything. I have more capacity for my own emotions as well as others’.
If you’d like to learn how to feel your feelings and experience more aliveness in this life you’ve been given, I’d love to be part of your journey. Drop me a note or set up a call here.
