In my first post of the year, I mentioned that I was feeling like this year was going to be a bit of a swirl–and so far it’s been exactly that.
By “swirl” I mean there’s movement, but it’s not going in any particular direction except around. Normally I would fight this disconcerting feeling, determined to “get somewhere” or “accomplish something.” This swirl has felt more like an invitation to hold things lightly and experience ease.
Ease is a new concept for me.
My perfectionist part, (I call her Patty) fears if I’m not perfect, I won’t be good enough to be loved or belong. She has to try really hard. She also doesn’t feel safe sharing what’s going on until she knows how it ends–and that it ends well. (If it doesn’t end well, you’ll never hear about it. ) This is one of the reasons I’ve found it hard to write lately. Patty jumps to the front when I sit down at the keyboard. (I can feel Patty bracing herself for rejection in the background as I share this.)
- Patty doesn’t make a move until she’s sure she’s going to get it right. She also needs to be sure she’s doing it the “right way.”
- She finds it hard to ask for help. After all, no one else will do as well as she will.
- Compliments from others on a job well done bounce right off her because she knows all the hidden places where things didn’t go perfectly.
- It makes her sad to see the others’ contributions and accomplishments and wishes “If only I could be that good.”
Fortunately, my Self is becoming more trusted by Patty. She started with learning how to slow down and actually rest— not collapse, numb, or distract. Instead of treating Patty like a problem to be solved or a part I need to shut down, I’ve learned to hold her with compassion, care, and love. She can breathe now.
The lack of a clear direction of the “swirl” is unfamiliar and uncomfortable at times. There are plenty of times when I still feel left behind, left out, or like I should be doing more. My practice of staying in my body and experiencing the discomfort has increased my capacity for uncertainty.
I’m embracing the swirl and getting more comfortable being uncomfortable.
One thing I’m 100% sure of is that you, too, have what it takes to be present, peaceful, and powerful and run your life instead of it running you. If you haven’t found what you’re looking for so far, you may benefit from a guide. I’m here when you’re ready. Let’s talk.
