I was so on edge.
The pressure had been building for a while. Kids, horses, house, business, bills, groceries, cooking–and all the things that go with all those things. There were a thousand details that needed tending. They ALL felt like priorities that had to be taken care of now.
When would I ever be good enough to handle it all?
My gem of a husband listened as I complained about my stress and all I had to do. Finally, in his frustration at how poorly I was treating myself he implored, “Kath–WHY do you put so much pressure on yourself?”
The empathy in his voice was such a contrast to my own inner critic.
“But who will I be if I don’t put all this pressure on myself?” shot through my head like a lightning bolt and stopped me in my tracks. I knew it was a dangerous thought, but I didn’t know how else to think.
Since then, I’ve learned that all that pressure only serves to produce more shame in me. Then I’d numb myself to dissociate from the shame–usually by getting busier!
The truth is I can’t shame myself into doing better–or more. Shame pushes me to do more so I can be more. But the nature of shame is that no matter how much you do, it’s never enough. You are never enough.
I can only heal my “not good enough” by learning to love myself unconditionally. Even when I mess up. Especially when I mess up.
Since that day, I’ve been on a healing journey to let myself off the hook a little bit more and be kinder and gentler to myself. It wasn’t an easy start. Society expects us to keep striving for more and better (and we mistakenly think it’s part of who we are.)
I’ll be honest, there’s still part of me that likes to press and push. “Just one more,” she pokes, convinced that more doing will make her happier. (It doesn’t.)
But there’s also a part of me that’s more comfortable to be seen in the good and the bad. She holds space for herself, her needs, her truth, her boundaries, her hurts.
I want to help you find this part of you–within you.
I promise she’s there. She’s buried under a whole lot of other protective stuff.
COME ON! LET’S GO GET HER!
