The other day my coaching client was learning more about the patterns she uses (and overuses) in relationships by trying to connect with a horse. In this instance, she wanted the horse to look at her and eventually walk with her.
She politely made her request and the horse ignored her.
She asked again. And again and again and again. I could see that she was starting to get annoyed.
She kept trying. She wasn’t a quitter. She tried harder and harder but the horse continued to ignore her.
As she continued to ask for the horse’s attention her frustration was building to the point of hopelessness about the situation. Finally she blurted out, “I just wish he’d say or do something! Even if he said “No”– that would be better than being ignored!”
That’s when she learned that NO is a gift.🎁
NO means there’s some level of engagement. Don’t you hate it when you’re waiting to ask a store clerk a question and, even though they’re doing something, they don’t even acknowledge you?
NO means the one you’re communicating with feels safe enough to say NO. Yes, I’d rather get the “middle hoof” from my horse, than have her simply comply because compliance does not create connection. In fact, safety is the prerequisite for connection.
NO is an invitation to go deeper. Whether we’re talking about people or horses, embracing NO gives you the opportunity to figure out what, exactly, they are saying NO to.
In my client’s situation, the horse was saying NO to the way she was asking for the connection. When she adjusted the way she did things, the horse said YES by following her at liberty as she walked around the arena.
Whether it’s people or horses, being able to take NO as feedback, not failure, keeps us moving forward and maintains connection. It allows both parties to have a voice and not devolve into bitterness or resentment. Yes, getting a NO can actually strengthen the relationship.
Each of us wants love, appreciation, understanding, respect, and acceptance. Which one of these universal human needs can you meet the next time you encounter a NO?
I’m now accepting new clients. Book a spot here and we’ll talk.
