As a recovering people pleaser, any conversation that involves conflict is hard.
I was recently reminded–again– that I tend not to ask for something unless I’m 99% sure that the answer will be YES. The story I tell myself is if you give me what I ask for and/or agree with me then I’m loveable and worthy. A “No” feels like a personal rejection.
We built a new barn in 2021. It’s not fancy but it’s well-made and perfect for our situation. It’s a cool place in the summer even when it’s sweltering hot in the sun. The way it’s situated blocks most of the chilly North wind in winter. I’ve been told by several people that it has a nice feel to it. I love my barn.
The crowning touch that would really make the building shine was the large doors at the end of each aisle. Covering the large 10×10 foot opening, they would stand out as an architectural feature, so they needed to look good up close and from a distance.
They also had to be sturdy enough to withstand pawing, kicking, and chewing by horses as well as hold up to the Texas winds and weather extremes.
The doors the builder brought were *not* going to cut it. Flimsy. Poorly constructed. Ugly.
I wanted different doors, but I was scared to ask for them. I was afraid of offending my builder and worried he’d get mad at me and leave me high and dry.
Part of me was tempted to just let it go because I didn’t want to mess up our working relationship. I knew his family and didn’t want all of them thinking I was mean.
Another part was angry and determined for him to “make him pay” for his mistakes. For good measure and to back up my case, I’d also started a list of *other* complaints I had that he “needed to know about.” I was preparing my self-righteous self for a fight.
“Hang on,” I told myself. “Do you want to show up like an angry crazy person–taking up too much space? Or would you rather show up strong on the inside, soft on the outside–and see where that gets you first?”
I remembered how much I trusted our builder. He’d demonstrated several times that he was on my side. He’d done extra things and also reassured me when I wasn’t clear about the building process.
I still had to gather my courage to open the conversation about the doors. I was happily surprised that it was easier than I thought AND he came up with a better solution than I would have asked for.
It required emotional labor for me to take up my space that day with love for both my builder *and* myself and we’re both better for it.
I’m convinced that showing up fully is the way we embody peace, strength, courage and love. If we all took up and cared for all our own space, no more, no less, we’d have peace in the world.
