Several years ago I fell in love with StrengthsFinder assessment. When I learned that my “always on, always thinking” brain was a strength, not just something other people complained about, I stepped into a new level of awareness and confidence about who I was and how I showed up in the world.
I’ve had a similar experience since discovering my Enneagram type. It allowed me to connect some pretty significant dots and level up again especially when it comes to confidence and being present.
Dot #1
As a 7, I want to avoid pain, especially emotional pain like sadness or grief. It also comes out as people-pleasing because I can’t stand for someone to not like me. Even as I empathize and hold space for my clients as a coach, the core belief about my own pain is that experiencing it means there’s something wrong with me.
Dot #2
There’s this thing called the “stress cycle” and you have to complete it in order to metabolize the threat/fear/event/stressor or it just stays in your tissues and wreaks havoc. Part of the stress cycle is actually feeling the feeling so that it can dissipate.
I grew up receiving the message that feeling the feelings doesn’t really change anything. For example, if I give in to the sadness, it doesn’t change what happened. If I get angry, the relationship doesn’t get fixed, etc. While feeling the feelings may not change the situation, feeling them allows my body to complete the stress cycle. Instead of relying on my mental reframing ninja skills and the ability to look at things from lots of perspectives to avoid icky feelings, I’m now aware that my pattern is to shortcut the feeling part by numbing or reframing it.
BUT…
The stress/trauma/fear hasn’t gone anywhere. And I’ve not learned how to handle it any better. Until I do.
The truth is this: While feeling my feelings may not change the circumstances, it DOES change ME. It changes my physiology. It completes the stress cycle so the emotions are metabolized.
Then Monday happened…
I woke up in a funk. I don’t know what brought it on, but I was in a state of general malaise, very teary, ready to cry at the drop of a hat for no particular reason. (Note: this is an indication I need some self-care.)
In an attempt to avoid the pain I joined my group Zoom call, hoping being with people would zap me out of my blah-ness. It didn’t quite work that way. Since I was with some of my favorite people, I shared with them what was going on–even though it felt a little needy and crazy. Their response was so open and tender and I felt seen.
Let me say that again.
I. Felt. Seen. (What a gift!)
After the call, I decided I would pay attention to my need to be nurtured. Instead of pushing my feelings aside or “push through” doing what I “should” do, I slowed down. I made myself a little nest, decided to take the whole day off, and took a nap.
Throughout the day, the “Should Monster” banged around in my head telling me if I didn’t contact “this person” or send “that” email that I would suffer unredeemable harm and my business would go down in flames. (Have you noticed that the “Should Monster” is great at catastrophizing?)
Even though it felt unfamiliar to tend to me for the sake of me in this way, it felt good. Especially in this time of COVID and all the extra stress that brings—not to mention politics and racial challenges, self-care something we all need to do. If you say you don’t have time, you probably need it the most.
It’s not a pedicure or a massage, but slowing down to feel my emotions is the very definition of self-care. Doing so allowed me to release somethings that were keeping me stuck and I am a better person today because of it.
What do you need to feel so that you can heal?
