I was home from college and the “Freshman 15” I’d put on was still sticking around. I heard my mom and my aunt in the kitchen talking and the subject of my weight gain came up.
This was already a sore spot for me. As a swimmer in high school and I was *hungry* when I got home after swimming 8000 yards. I usually made myself a PB&J before dinner. My mom thought this was making me “heavy.” She encouraged me to lose weight because I’d “be so much happier with myself.” Skipping the PB&J was a good start in her mind.
I was *so* pissed that they were talking about me and my weight again!
I get it. I’m heavy! Do you think I don’t know that?!
But I couldn’t actually *say* all that out loud. Nice girls don’t get mad.
Instead, I took the car and went on a long drive. I didn’t ask permission or tell them I was leaving. My intention was to make them worry about me. Passive aggressive, I know. It was the only way I knew to take up space.
When I think of this now I wonder about the space I was trying to occupy.
My physical body was larger than I wanted it to be, but I still felt small and insignificant.
Emotionally, I believed I had to keep my feelings contained or risk not being loved.
I thought about my weight with every meal or snack. Especially with snacks.
I carried a lot of “should” energy with me around food.
Passive and aggressive communication are at opposite ends of a continuum.
When I’m passive, I take up too little space.
When I’m aggressive I take up too much, encroaching on what’s not mine to own.
Being assertive is the middle ground and is where taking up the *right* amount of space lives.
It’s a challenging space to be in–”owning” who I am, what I feel, what I want.
My ongoing practice is to slow down and feel it in my body.
If you care to join me in this exploration of space and communication, DM me or shoot me an email.
This is Day 7 of the series Exploring Space.
