Have you ever found yourself in a conversation that left you wondering, “Wait, what just happened here?” I recently had one of those moments that got me thinking about how we communicate or– how we don’t.
Picture this: I’m at a networking gathering and I see an old friend. As we’re catching up, I realize how much I’ve missed her company. My heart does a little dance, and before I know it, words are tumbling out of my mouth:
“Hey, we should do lunch sometime!”
She smiles and nods, “Yeah, we should!”
Someone approaches us, the moment passes. We finishe the meeting having never made specific plans and I’m left wondering: Did I just make plans? Does she really want to get together? Or did we both just participate in a polite social dance, with no real intention of following through?
The Blend of Offers and Requests: A Communication Tango
This isn’t the first time I’ve found myself in this communication tango, and I bet it won’t be the last. We think we’re making a request, but the other person doesn’t see it that way. Or maybe we’re making an offer, but what we really want is something else entirely.
So, let’s break it down a bit:
– An offer is something we are willing to give to or do for someone.
– A request is asking for something we don’t have that we would like to have.
Sounds simple, right? But oh, how we love to complicate things!
Meet The Peeker: Our Shy Inner Voice
There’s a part of me I call The Peeker. She’s a little shy and insecure and doesn’t want to feel like too much of a bother. She also desperately wants to be seen and heard. The Peeker is the one who suggests to my grown kids that we could “maybe do something for the holidays” when what she really wants to say is, “Please come home for Christmas. I miss you terribly.”
Your “Peeker” shows up in all sorts of situations:
– At work, instead of asking for a raise, she might say, “I’ve been researching industry standards for my position. Maybe we could discuss my role in the company?”
– In a relationship, rather than expressing a need for more affection, she might suggest, “It would be nice to have a cozy night in this weekend.”
– With friends, instead of asking for support during a tough time, she might say, “I was thinking of having a movie night. It’s been a rough week.”
The Hidden Costs of Hint-Dropping
This indirect approach might feel safer in the moment (The Peeker is nodding vigorously), but it comes with its own set of challenges:
– Our needs often go unmet, leaving us feeling unheard and undervalued.
– Resentment can build silently, eroding our connections.
– We waste energy hoping others will decipher our coded messages.
– It reinforces a harmful cycle: the less direct we are, the less we practice expressing our needs clearly. (We’re already not usually great at this. Let’s not practice it more!)
– Our self-esteem suffers as we start to believe our genuine needs aren’t worthy of direct expression.
The Risks and Rewards of Clear Requests
Now, I know what you’re thinking. “But Kathy, what if I make a clear request and it doesn’t go well?” Trust me, I get it. There are definitely risks:
– We open ourselves up to a direct “no,” which can feel like rejection.
– Exposing our true desires and needs can feel uncomfortably vulnerable.
– Others might interpret our clear requests as demands or ultimatums. (Having been called “pushy” in the past, this one really hits home for me.)
But here’s the thing: the benefits of clear communication are HUGE:
– There’s little room for misinterpretation and miscommunication.
– Expressing our needs clearly can boost our self-esteem and confidence.
– Honesty and directness can foster trust, deeper connections, and stronger relationships.
– There’s less chance of unexpressed expectations leading to disappointment.
– It’s actually kinder to the other person because they have something clear they can say YES or NO to.
– It’s empowering because you’re actually taking responsibility for your own needs and desires.
Embracing the Uncomfortable: A Journey to Clarity
This journey towards clearer communication is ongoing and often uncomfortable. There are plenty of times when I still feel vulnerable or worry about being too direct. But I’ve found that staying present with this discomfort has increased my capacity for the uncertainty that comes with honest expression.
I’m learning to embrace the range of emotions that come with clear communication. It’s a process of holding The Peeker with compassion, helping her breathe, and gently encouraging her to express her true desires.
Your Turn: From Hint-Dropping to Clear Requests
So, what can you do to start communicating more clearly?
- Notice when you’re blending offers and requests. (Hint: If you find yourself hoping the other person will “get the hint,” that’s a red flag!)
- Take a deep breath and ask yourself, “What do I really want here?”
- Practice formulating clear requests, even if you don’t voice them right away.
- Start small. Try making clear requests in low-stakes situations to build your confidence. I find it really helpful to say out loud, “I have a request” and then say what it is. (So freeing!)
- Remember, it’s okay if it feels uncomfortable at first. That’s part of the growth process.
As for me and friend? I’ve sent an email asking specifically if she’d like to get lunch within the next two weeks.
What about you? Have you had any “lunch that never was” moments? I’d love to hear about your experiences with blended offers and requests. Let’s chat!
