One of the underlying beliefs of perfectionism is “if I can do something perfectly, there will be no reason for disappointment and I will be loved.” The simple version is, “if I can control the outcome, I’ll be OK.”
As a recovering perfectionist, I’ve come a long way, but this tendency is deeply conditioned in my body. It’s interesting to see how many ways it shows up. Asking for something is always fraught.
In working with clients, we almost always unearth discomfort around making a request. It brings up all the stuff.
I discovered another example a while back when working with Sadie.
My request for Sadie was to leave her hay and take two steps toward me in connection with a soft expression.
First, she ignored me. I can’t say I blame her. She was eating!
I tried again with a bit more energy. This time her ears went back a bit an I could tell she was on the edge of being grumpy. I kept my energy and request the same, neither increasing or decreasing the pressure—but giving her time and space to respond. I was pleased when she looked my way with soft eyes and ears. We both had a nice big exhale in connection with each other. I released her back to the hay.
To build our relationship further, I asked again, this time for a step toward me. She said Yes to that and then I asked for another step.
Her ears went back and she looked at me with hard eyes. I ignored her and asked a little louder.
That was the moment of discovery.
I sensed the needy grasp in my body for her attention. It was the belief showing up once again that if I don’t push we’ll never get anywhere.
She was exactly right. I had overstepped my bounds and tried to control her attention so I could feel better about myself.
It’s not pretty and I’m not proud of it, but I was grateful to Sadie for showing me another place I can learn to let go of control.
The truth is that being controlled feels yucky. I want to trust her and have her trust me. Trust is built in the rupture and repair. I ruptured the relationship. I had to repair it.
I took 3 big steps back and let out a big breath. I apologized for not listening to her. Then I asked again, making sure I was grounded and clear in my request.
I approached and asked her to look at me softly. Not only did she do that, she also took a step toward me. She was actually willing and able to give more to our relationship when I gave her space to answer my request instead of insisting she respond.
Our relationships are like a dance. Sometimes we lead too hard, pushed by our perfectionism and need for control. But true connection? It can’t be forced.
Stepping back—giving space, unlearning control—often brings us closer to what we really want. It’s counterintuitive, but powerful.
I think we can all take a cue from Sadie.
What if the key to deeper connections isn’t pushing for more, but creating space for authentic “yeses”? In that space, we might just find more than we ever thought to ask for.
It’s a daily practice. In every interaction. But it’s worth it. Because in that space—that’s where the magic happens.
When was the last time letting go of control brought you closer to what you wanted?
