A couple of years ago I met a horse named Bella at a training. My aim was to develop a relationship with Bella over the course of three days always being mindful of offering her a choice. Would she say YES to connecting? To being haltered? To walking with me at liberty? To being ridden? The answer was uncertain.
To be clear, Bella is a horse that’s ridden all the time. She also had behavior patterns of disassociation from her early years of training where she was expected to do what she was told and not complain about it. She’d be quiet and obedient, but keep her true self hidden. Her past challenged me to create an atmosphere where she would feel safe enough to say YES– or, more importantly, NO.
Bella was happy to connect when we were just being together, but when the halter was introduced, the pressure was too much and she went away inside herself. On the outside, she looked very calm–even peaceful. However, this was her way of saying, “ Fine. Get it over with and do what you have to do so I can go back to the pasture and be left alone.”. Compliance does not build a healthy relationship. I was looking for connection, not compliance.
I valued her NO to the halter by slowing down and being present. In fact, her NO was much more meaningful than her trying to appease me because it meant there was some level of engagement. Later, in connection, I asked again. Each time I asked, I wanted to “see her.” I had to give up control or trying to manipulate the situation. I waited for a YES, not just the absence of NO.
Eventually, Bella trusted me enough to say YES. And we both took a deep breath. Ahhhhhhhhh!
As the weekend progressed, I experienced the soulful satisfaction of learning to trust her as she learned to trust me. Our relationship began in a state of uncertainty, but by practicing being present, hearing and valuing her responses (even if it was a NO) and remaining committed to the connection, we ended on a solid note.
Uncertainty is no fun. It creates anxiety on the inside, but by leaning into the discomfort, letting go of control, and allowing others a voice to choose, we become trustworthy. In the process, we learn to trust ourselves more, too.
